Proof I'm An Asshole

Most of you who know me also know I can be a HUGE asshole. One way or another I am probably going to say something shitty to you and I might apologize later. I'm pretty narcissistic (how could I not be?) and raretly think I'm wrong. However, the better you know me the less of an asshole I am. I consider myself to be a good friend. For people I like (seriously, there's like seven of you) I would do ANYTHING for you. I say this objectively because it's 100% true. Not 110% because that's not real and people that say that should be steralized. As I said earlier there are few that are really friends. Since moving to Des Moines I have met one person I would consider a best friend. This is the story of how that went.....bum Bum BUM!!!!

I met [Bethany] working at Applebee's. She likes to say at first she really didn't like me because of my boistrous (nice word for annoying) personality. She said I was uncomfortable and trying too hard. This is completely accurate. After a while I (we?) found that we were eerily similar. Our tastes in movies, TV, books, etc. were pretty much the same. More importantly we had the exact same type of humor. That means we made fun of everybody. To their faces. It was pretty goddamn funny. It was the main reason I stayed at Applebee's as long as I did. Being around her was like looking into a mirror and seeing your female self. By the way, if THAT is the female version of me......Not too shabby.

After a few months of constantly goofing around inside and out of work things changed. We would work together and change our schedules so we could both close. If you don't know what "close" means then you haven't worked in the food industry. If that's the case feel free to go fuck yourself. Anyway, we use to go out and drink 3 or 4 nights a week. I can honestly say I've never met a girl who could keep up with me. She's got class out the ass. Things changed when Bethany got pregnant (not mine, assholes) in March of 2011.

Normally this is where my story would end and I would say that I stopped talking to her because she got boring. Quite the opposite. We got really close because there was no drinking and actual conversations. Around this time she got me hooked on Lost and would come over to watch with me. By "watch with me" I actually mean "explain things to me because I am too dumb to catch everything. " Tell me if I'm "using" quotes "too much" and it's "getting annoying." I can't tell you how many questions I would ask that were probably obvious and she would calmly answer them. Then the baby came.

Again, you would assume (Stop doing that by the way. It's rude.) that we would fall out of contact. That was true to a point, but we would each go out of our way to text and set up lunches just to catch up. Her daughter is crazy awesome. While I loathe the father (I will try to NEVER write about him past this point. I respect Bethany too much.) her baby is terrific. There are not enough positive adjectives I can use about this little girl. When she is not sleeping (which is cute) she is looking directly at you just smiling (also cute) making you feel like the most important person in the world. This baby shares no blood with me, at all, but when she is around she is the world. It's weird to think that (especially to write it) about a child who isn't related to me. If you don't understand then you haven't met you. Your loss. She's awesome and you suck.

Then St. Patrick's day came. Bethany and I hadn't seen each other in months and our schedules finally matched up for something. I had been drinking much of the day, (It was St. Patrick's Day. Don't judge.) but I was pacing myself for meeting up with Bethany. I picked her up and we went to an Iowa Barnstormers game. We did what we use to do. Took something marginally fun and with our personalities, plus beer, we made it AMAZING! Honestly one of the best times I had in a while. After the game I convinced her to go downtown for a drink. I wanted to surprise her with the free concert, Who's Bad. We are both gigantic Michael Jackson fans.Who's Bad is a MJ tribute band that we saw the previous December which she would go on to say was one of the best nights of her life. Anyway, we left the game, me buzzed and her drunk, and decided to walk downtown. I got caught up talking to her and took a right instead of a left at some point. We both got frustrated being lost and started heading back. I was super pissed about being lost and missing a great surprise. The longer it took to get back the angrier we got. Her at me and me at myself. We were in the Skywalk when she asked me, "Luke, do you have anything to get back to? Because I do." I know she probably didn't mean it the way that I took it, but it sent me over the edge. I lost my cool and let out some of my anger unfortunately on her. She called me a dick. I deserved that. I then followed up by calling her a fucking cunt. Ouch. Yea, that was a bit too much. I then punched a window in the Skywalk, chipped a knuckle, and found glass in my hand the next morning.

What followed next was the obvious: her being visibly upset, asking her parents to come get her, me apologizing while still being pissed, and me driving her home in almost complete silence. The only things she said were, "Even people who hated me never called me that," and as I dropped her off, "Thanks for everything. It was fun." I don't know if that last thing was genuine or a verbal kick in the nuts. If it's the latter: well played. I've tried a twice to apologize and whatnot since then. No response. If it helps, yes, I actually am sorry and really hope that didn't end our entire friendship. Her choice at this point. But I am an asshole. If you're surprised then you are an idiot and didn't read the title of this post.